Ho Hum

I go in for bloodwork tomorrow. I'm not sure when I'll get to find out the results... I'm not even entirely sure what they are testing for... I know we're going to check my progesterone levels, which doesn't seem productive considering we're reasonably sure I've not ovulated this month. (Last month would have been better b/c we thought I'd ovulated, but we weren't trying....) I think our NP also wants to check my thyroid, which was fine a year ago. In addition, I'm pretty sure they are going to look at some of my other hormone levels.... I don't actually have any high hopes for anything they find. I don't think we're going to be getting any newsflashes.

I've done my good deed for the day

or so my neighbor told me. I just pushed Donna out of the snowbank at the end of her driveway. This doesn't seem to me so much a good deed for the day as it does neighborly, especially since our neighbors around here clear our snow from the sidewalk on occasion -not even just because we're gone. Still, I'm thinking I may enlist karma here. I'm going to keep committing good deeds for the day in hopes that karma will reward me w/ a baby.

Either that, or I think we need another puppy.

I'm an emotional wreck

I just re-read my first post from yesterday.... perhaps I was a bit upset... well, I'm better now. It's possible that my words were directed at one person in particular. Thank you to everyone who does support us; we certainly appreciate you.

I am something of an emotional roller coaster. I can't even blame it on AF as no one knows when she'll show up since I won't even ovulate this month. In all of the fertility blogs we read there are dozens of abbreviations and shorthand ways of conveying information. (AF, ttc, tww, 7dpo, etc...) I think we should add some sort of emotional measuring shorthand to this mix. On a scale of apathy, I am a 2 today. On the frustration scale, I am at 7.5 (down from 9). The amount of energy I have is around a 3.

There will be no real news until I get the results of my bloodwork, which will be sometime after the end of next week. Until then, we're going to be keeping busy and trying to stay positive.

How to be supportive: Part II (or: Fristers)

B is my sister closest in age. She is two years younger than I, and is going to be a mother of two little girls sometime in the next two weeks or so. I've dubbed the newest addition "Ramona", but B and her hubby don't seem to be the biggest fans. We'll see.

This sister of mine is the most amazing mother I've ever seen. I had never really seen unconditional love until I saw her with her daughter. I have never seen anyone love so deeply or completely as she does... and her patience! She is so patient that she will read the same book or sing the same song 15 times in one day.

B is my #1 supporter outside of my wonderful wife. She is always on my side, and she always roots for me. When we were little, we used to stay up late singing songs, doing gymnastics on our bunk beds, or cleaning our room as a surprise for mom. We have always known that our bond was a great gift. I wasn't more than five or six years old when we coined the term "fristers" because we were so much more than just sisters or just friends. In our teen years, we weathered a painful divorce with all of the usual baggage. Years later, we stuck together again when dad was dying, remarried, and spiteful toward our mother. We share memories, we rely on each other for our histories, and we love each other immensely.

When E and I first started dating, I needed to communicate with B things were a bit different. We had dinner with B and her hubby (then boyfriend.) That dinner was TERRIBLE! B was so uncomfortable, and so was I. It wasn't a month later, though, that B became my full supporter. It was readily apparent that I was happy and that E was an amazing person; that's all she needed. In the last 5.5 years, B has used her position as an ally and Social Worker to confront homophobia in a part of the world that is exposed to very little beyond conservative Christian teachings. Every time she does so, I know she is making the world a better place for me, E, our children, and everyone else. Every time she does so, I am proud she is my sister.

As these months have worn on, B has even stepped up in supporting me... She leaves us messages on the blog; she calls to see how we're doing; she waits for text messages indicating the go/no-go status of things. I think she not only knows how much we want this, but she also understands how much joy a child can bring.

B, thank you for being an amazing sister, for always supporting me, and for always loving me. Thank you for being my frister. I love you,
Sara

p.s. I know you probably don't like this pic, but it's the most recent I have!

How to be supportive: Part I

This week has been difficult. I am finding (and I think E would agree with me on this) that each month is growing more and more trying. The reasons are relatively obvious:

• time continues to go by, and we still do not have a baby-in-the-making
• one (or two) begins to grow frustrated with failure after failure
• our life seems to be on hold until we can achieve pregnancy

What seems to be less apparent is how people in our lives should attend to our feelings on this matter -and perhaps, in general. So, here is a short primer:

Don't...

• ...talk to me while pretending like there is nothing wrong in my life. Especially during weeks of particularly bad circumstance, I am frustrated/pissed/miserable/anxious etc... I am capable of talking about other things, but I don't do pretending. I never pretended that my parents didn't go through a nasty divorce. I never hid the fact that my father was battling cancer, and after he died, I was open about how hard it was. I am, as is Erin, and open person. Not acknowledging the spectrum of my emotions indicates that we (me and whoever I am talking to) have little more than an acquaintenceship. All this requires is asking me how I'm doing, and meaning it.
• ...tell me that it will be ok. This is particularly the case if I have just opened up to you to talk about how I am feeling. It is NOT OK!!!! IT IS NOT OK!!! We have been trying to conceive (ttc) for nearly 2 years. We have spent THOUSANDS of dollars, and HUNDREDS of hours going to Dr.'s appointments, selecting donors, being extra healthy, dreaming, and hoping. It does not feel ok that we are not pregnant. Telling me otherwise is very invalidating.
• ...tell me that the right baby will come along for us. This is just not comforting at all. This may be true, but I (we) have every right to be upset in the meantime.
• ...be afraid of talking to us. Enough said.

Do

• ...ask us both how we are doing. We are both hurting and frustrated. We need you right now.
• ...listen to us.
• ...leave comments on the blog. We truly appreciate this - especially since we're putting ourselves out there for the whole world to see.

We have received a great deal of support...we are lucky to have so many good friends and family members rooting for us.

Bust

This month is a total bust. My temp was low this a.m., so E was pretty sure that I was going to ovulate at some point today. We called the NP, and she fit us into the ultrasound and consultation schedule. She figured it was better to check than miss it. (She's the best.)

The news we received was not good at all. Not only had the one follicle (our only chance in hell this month) not grown at all, but my estradiol (estrogen) actually dropped - in half. What does this mean, you may ask....

1. Ovulation will not occur this month.
2. We don't have to truck 2 vials and a huge container of Bernard to Chicago and MI.
3. I can drink wine with my family this weekend, and with E on Saturday night when we're hanging in the windy city.
4. My body is actually regressing... not one f#cking follicle this month, after all this time. A big fat ZERO!
5. We're getting more anxious - especially me. I'M SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED!!! GIVE ME A BABY, ALREADY!

The acupuncture did help w/ the stress this afternoon.... but if it doesn't make us pregnant, it's not good enough.

We will be regrouping over the weekend. I have to have a bunch of bloodwork done late next week to see if something weird is going on. (I have had all of this done before, so we're expecting it to come back normal.) Other than that... not much to look forward to.

15 Seconds

Hey all-

My old boss is asking us to sign a letter to win a playground for her son's school. If you have a second, please follow the link and sign the letter. Thanks!

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Hello all!

Jordan’s elementary school was recently named as a finalist in the Playskool “Win a Boundless Playground” Contest – one of 20 out of 930 entries nationwide! The grand prize winner to be announced April 15th will receive a $300,000 playground.

If you have two extra seconds sometime in the next few days, would you please sign the letter of support for Jordan ’s school? Just follow this link…http://playgroundsupport.com/ and fill in the 3 little boxes.

With Deepest Thanks,

Cathy Moore (and Jordan!)