10 years ago we lost one of the two most influential people in our lives up to that point. We were all in different chapters of our life: teenagers, early adulthood, high school, college…. We each experienced Dad’s death in a profoundly personal way – to such a degree that sometimes our familial bonds did not seem to help us in dealing with the grief, loss, confusion, even relief… The time before, and the time following Dad’s passing is a time in each of our lives where we learned to come to terms with mortality in a way that few people our age(s) have had to endure. Seeing death and dying in someone you are so close to can only change you forever.
We are all different from one another to this day, but it seems now that the grief and sorrow that felt so personal then, are something that we share now. We each have our own feelings and memories of dad and his passing. Something personal remains, yet I know that all four of us know what it is like to lose someone of that magnitude at such a young age. This commonality exists- even though I cannot understand what is like to lose a father when in high school, and you may not be able to understand what it’s like to lose a father when you’ve just begun to understand how to love him, for the first time, as a young adult.
What really strikes me today, though, is that we have hit 10 years. 10 years of life without Dad. Sometimes, I wish I could just call him up and ask him for some financial advice or bug him to come take me out for breakfast b/c it’s been so long. I wish I could have seen the look on his face when I told him I got a full ride to grad school, and I wish he knew how happy I am now that I’m with the one I love and we’re going to have a baby. How proud would he be of all of us? That we managed to grow up and buy houses, choose careers and start families? He’s missed out on quite a bit, and we’ve missed out on the chance to share it with him.
Over the course of 10 years, I have forgotten things I never wanted to forget about him, but I also now have happier memories. I remember the loud music on the boat, and riding out to see the sunsets on Lake Michigan. I remember how much he loved being in the sun, and how summer always seemed to be a happy time for our family. I recall walking the streets of Chicago, as Dad pointed and explained tall buildings as he marveled at the engineering success of the human race. I remember the Platter, playing sugar football. I remember attending homecoming games and listening to him explain the rules of football to me every year – I loved it; I loved his attention. Dad was far from perfect, and I haven’t forgotten those things, but I enjoy the good memories now for what they are: good memories.
I’m also thankful to him for giving me an important piece of myself. I am driven. I like to get things done; I like to succeed. I know I can figure out how to win, eventually, as all good wins take time. I accomplish lots of things, far more than most, and this energy, I believe, is something I learned or somehow inherited from him. It is a core piece of who I am, and I am thankful for it. All four of us have a piece of this in us as we are all busy accomplishing life every day, every year.
I cannot help but wonder what it would be like if he visited, for just a day. What would he say? Would he see us as we really are? My, how we’ve changed since he last saw us! He would have to see that we’ve grown up; we’re no longer just his four little girls. We’re all women now. Then, we were so much younger, still in school, and none of us had met who we were to choose as life partners. Now, we are still in different stages of our lives, but things have changed remarkably: paying our own bills, college degrees, masters degrees, love, weddings, marriage, first houses, living in different states and cities, dogs, children, pregnancies, new jobs, and so much more to come. We are grown up. We are still growing as individuals, as adults, as women, as a family. I can’t believe that Dad has missed all of this. I can’t believe it has been 10 years. I think, though, that if he were to visit, he would beam with pride at how we’ve turned out. How each of his “girls” has grown.
This song has been spinning in my head for weeks now. I think it’s what he would say to us if he were to come back and see us. I think he would be sad to have missed how much we’ve grown, and sad that he won’t see us as we continue to do so as the years go by.
Natalie Merchant/ Christian Burial Music © 1992
"my, how you've grown"
I remember that phrase
from my childhood days too
"just wait and see"
I remember those words
and how they chided me
when patient was the hardest thing to be
because we can't make up for the time that we've lost
I must let these memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me
I should have known
at your age, in a string of days the year is gone
but in that space of time it takes so long
because we can't make up for the time that we've lost
I must let those memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as the child that you never will be
you never will be again
I'll never be more to you than a stranger could be
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as a child that you never will be
will be again
Dad, you’ve missed quite a bit in the last 10 years, but we are all doing well. We are happy, healthy, and pursuing our lives to the fullest. We are in love, and we are all grown up with adult lives: houses, families, and plans for the future. We’re not your little girls anymore, except in memories, which is where you live within each of us.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Paving the way
Sometimes it really strikes me that this world has so much more to learn about, especially when it comes to what it defines as “alternative lifestyles and families”. Sure the term alternative bugs me. Sure I am irritated that I have to educate so many people about how my family is normal. I said a few posts ago that my approach is to inform people about something (i.e. lesbians having babies) and then give them the space to let it sink in, talk to others, and come to a conclusion about how they feel about it. I (as all same-sex couples do) field some of the strangest questions in the spirit of helping this defunked world overcome their personal and societal hurdles. But, if the mission is to breakdown barriers, I have to be ok with answering those questions and giving that space.
As I embark on the lactation induction experiment it is becoming more and more clear to me that I will have to work to pave the way again. As worldly and knowledgeable as the MBC and our MWs are, they seem to be stumped by the protocol for inducing lactation in a non-bio mom of two mom family. The MW that initially asked me if I was going to b/f (breastfeed) seemed to have a decent grasp on what that would entail. However, at our appointment a week ago a different MW and the Lactation Expert (LE) were timid, nervous, and very unsure about what and how this would all actualize. GEEEEZ! You guys are the ones that are supposed to know. They gave me a freaking website to visit…..thanks but I’ve already been there!
Well, now I know. I have been to the website, read everything, been to other websites, and am building my own protocol. I will be the first non-bio mom of a two mom family to attempt this in the care of the MBC and so I will therefore be the one to determine the what, where, how, and why. I will educate them on what to do with two moms breastfeeding. I am not under the impression that my protocol will not need to be altered or refined throughout the process and I also understand that it may not work at all. I just need someone to be confident in the attempt (besides you S, you are awesome and it is because of you we can give it a good go) and so that person will be me.
Watch out MW and LE, you just unleashed a determined, self-reliant, knowledgeable, resourceful, non-bio mom looking to breastfeed. Prepare to learn!
As I embark on the lactation induction experiment it is becoming more and more clear to me that I will have to work to pave the way again. As worldly and knowledgeable as the MBC and our MWs are, they seem to be stumped by the protocol for inducing lactation in a non-bio mom of two mom family. The MW that initially asked me if I was going to b/f (breastfeed) seemed to have a decent grasp on what that would entail. However, at our appointment a week ago a different MW and the Lactation Expert (LE) were timid, nervous, and very unsure about what and how this would all actualize. GEEEEZ! You guys are the ones that are supposed to know. They gave me a freaking website to visit…..thanks but I’ve already been there!
Well, now I know. I have been to the website, read everything, been to other websites, and am building my own protocol. I will be the first non-bio mom of a two mom family to attempt this in the care of the MBC and so I will therefore be the one to determine the what, where, how, and why. I will educate them on what to do with two moms breastfeeding. I am not under the impression that my protocol will not need to be altered or refined throughout the process and I also understand that it may not work at all. I just need someone to be confident in the attempt (besides you S, you are awesome and it is because of you we can give it a good go) and so that person will be me.
Watch out MW and LE, you just unleashed a determined, self-reliant, knowledgeable, resourceful, non-bio mom looking to breastfeed. Prepare to learn!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
California, Here you come!
E and I had a very nice night last night. We went to a "craft night" hosted by my coworker. We finally had a chance to start working on the other pieces of the nursery. I started cutting squares for the quilt, and E cut out the stencils that she is going to paint on the wall. We still have much work to be done, but at least we've broken ground!
In addition to accomplishing baby-related items, which is always fun, we had a nice social evening. Since I've started feeling better, we've started seeing people socially again, which feels good - probably especially for E, who is by far a more social being than I. We both had a fine time. We brought another friend with us, and 6-8 women hung out all evening working on various things: painting, sewing, knitting, cutting out stencils... while also chatting and getting to know one another. What a nice way to spend an evening!
Today, we are getting some very special guests, all the way from CA! C&C arrive today, and we are picking them up in the early evening. They are gracing us with their presence until Monday afternoon, and we couldn't be happier as it's been nearly three months since we've seen our best gals. (and they really are the best!) Posting might be a bit scant this weekend due to so much friendly distraction, but there is also a chance that I will be the only (insane) soul up at 6am, giving me plenty of time to catch up with all of you.
Oh, one more thing, we're suspecting that C&C want to work on the nursery this weekend with us... so it's slightly possible that pics could be up by this weekend or early next week! I know you're all just hanging on to the edges of your seats!
In addition to accomplishing baby-related items, which is always fun, we had a nice social evening. Since I've started feeling better, we've started seeing people socially again, which feels good - probably especially for E, who is by far a more social being than I. We both had a fine time. We brought another friend with us, and 6-8 women hung out all evening working on various things: painting, sewing, knitting, cutting out stencils... while also chatting and getting to know one another. What a nice way to spend an evening!
Today, we are getting some very special guests, all the way from CA! C&C arrive today, and we are picking them up in the early evening. They are gracing us with their presence until Monday afternoon, and we couldn't be happier as it's been nearly three months since we've seen our best gals. (and they really are the best!) Posting might be a bit scant this weekend due to so much friendly distraction, but there is also a chance that I will be the only (insane) soul up at 6am, giving me plenty of time to catch up with all of you.
Oh, one more thing, we're suspecting that C&C want to work on the nursery this weekend with us... so it's slightly possible that pics could be up by this weekend or early next week! I know you're all just hanging on to the edges of your seats!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
There's a Baby in there!
Confirmed, our baby is in there! We heard her/his heartbeat again last night! There is not a more beautiful sound on this earth, I have learned.
Other than that, the appointment was loooonnnnggg. We like the philosophy of the Birth Center, but our appointments take forever (1.5 hours!!!!). Some of the things could be gone over in double (or triple) time... Additionally, they have an intern learning to become a m/w, so she was conducting a significant portion of the appointment. I'm a bit of a private person, and I don't appreciate an audience. (E.g. at our ceremony, I was so tired of having everyone "looking" at me!!) She was eager to prove how much she knew and -I'm sure - quite nervous, so we didn't particularly enjoy her. Things did improve somewhat, however, when OUR m/w commended us on our "organization" (list of questions and ability to think ahead.) The intern/resident took a hint that we didn't need to be reminded to 'wash our hands' in order to avoid cold and flu. I'm sure she's a lovely individual, and she's clearly passionate about learning to be a m/w. I just would be perfectly fine if she wasn't my midwife or attending any other of our appointments.
Her worst offense, though: She virtually ignored E the entire time while pouring tons of attention all over me. I HATE that. It makes me want to scream "leave me alone!!" while simultaneously cutting E out of the appointment for OUR baby.
Aside from the intern/resident and the 95 minutes spent in the Center (plus 30 minutes each way b/c it's on the other side of town), the appointment went well. All of our tests are coming back normal and good. I have good iron levels, which I was concerned about with my renewed meat aversion. The nuchal test came back good. The m/w thought I was eating pretty well considering my newly found hatred for vegetables (carrots and green beans as the exceptions.) She was happy with my weight gain. Yada yada yada. Everything is progressing well so far.
Oh, and did I mention that we heard our baby's heartbeat? 160's again. Perfect little baby!
Other than that, the appointment was loooonnnnggg. We like the philosophy of the Birth Center, but our appointments take forever (1.5 hours!!!!). Some of the things could be gone over in double (or triple) time... Additionally, they have an intern learning to become a m/w, so she was conducting a significant portion of the appointment. I'm a bit of a private person, and I don't appreciate an audience. (E.g. at our ceremony, I was so tired of having everyone "looking" at me!!) She was eager to prove how much she knew and -I'm sure - quite nervous, so we didn't particularly enjoy her. Things did improve somewhat, however, when OUR m/w commended us on our "organization" (list of questions and ability to think ahead.) The intern/resident took a hint that we didn't need to be reminded to 'wash our hands' in order to avoid cold and flu. I'm sure she's a lovely individual, and she's clearly passionate about learning to be a m/w. I just would be perfectly fine if she wasn't my midwife or attending any other of our appointments.
Her worst offense, though: She virtually ignored E the entire time while pouring tons of attention all over me. I HATE that. It makes me want to scream "leave me alone!!" while simultaneously cutting E out of the appointment for OUR baby.
Aside from the intern/resident and the 95 minutes spent in the Center (plus 30 minutes each way b/c it's on the other side of town), the appointment went well. All of our tests are coming back normal and good. I have good iron levels, which I was concerned about with my renewed meat aversion. The nuchal test came back good. The m/w thought I was eating pretty well considering my newly found hatred for vegetables (carrots and green beans as the exceptions.) She was happy with my weight gain. Yada yada yada. Everything is progressing well so far.
Oh, and did I mention that we heard our baby's heartbeat? 160's again. Perfect little baby!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Heartbeats, breastfeeding, and velcro shoes
Today we hear the Tot's heartbeat again. We head to the MW today for a check up, some "teaching" (we kinda hate that they always say they are going to do some teaching), and likely an "exam". It is the first time we have been back since we took our trip to the medical world for the ultrasound. I don't the MW was a big fan of us doing that but who cares! It is our health care and pregnancy after all. They talk a big game about make it all about your pregnancy and you guide the services so that is what we did! :)
On another note, I will be telling the MW today that I am interested in inducing lactation. I'm not sure what kind of regimen that will consist of but I have decided it is the best choice for me, the Tot, and S. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I started to tell people at work so that when I start pumping at work (which could be in a few months) they don't think I'm crazy. I find (as many of us that live "alternative lifestyles" do) that allowing people space to let the things in my life that challenge the norm sink in, they have a better reaction. Ug, the things we do for the "straights"! :)
Last thing, S wants me to share with you all that sometimes people that wear black velcro shoes creep me out. There, now you all can have time to let that sink in and hopefully you will still respect me and my feelings. :)
Happy Monday!
On another note, I will be telling the MW today that I am interested in inducing lactation. I'm not sure what kind of regimen that will consist of but I have decided it is the best choice for me, the Tot, and S. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I started to tell people at work so that when I start pumping at work (which could be in a few months) they don't think I'm crazy. I find (as many of us that live "alternative lifestyles" do) that allowing people space to let the things in my life that challenge the norm sink in, they have a better reaction. Ug, the things we do for the "straights"! :)
Last thing, S wants me to share with you all that sometimes people that wear black velcro shoes creep me out. There, now you all can have time to let that sink in and hopefully you will still respect me and my feelings. :)
Happy Monday!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Painted Nursery
The nursery is (mostly) painted! We spent all day yesterday painting the trim and the walls. We were working until nearly 11pm! (Which, as you all should know, is at least 2 hours past my bedtime, if not more!) It looks wonderful! We chose "Gobi Dessert" for the walls, and we painted the trim "Ostrich Egg". We aren't yet ready to post pictures because we have some other artistic touches to add, but we got a lot of work done yesterday!
Today we will be cleaning the house (aka, finally taking care of the piles of dishes in the kitchen) and getting ready for our very dear friends C&C to visit us on Thursday! I'm also hoping to get a jump on the baby quilt as we have plans to attend a craft group on Wednesday, and I would like to work on it that evening. So, lots of baby prep going on here. E really deserves a lot of the credit for getting this big job done. I, of course, need to stop and eat and/or rest every little while, so she was left working by herself on several occasions. She also really drove this project- as soon as she got up yesterday morning, she was moving and shaking in the nursery (b/c it's definitely no longer an office!). We're so excited for this baby!!!!
Today we will be cleaning the house (aka, finally taking care of the piles of dishes in the kitchen) and getting ready for our very dear friends C&C to visit us on Thursday! I'm also hoping to get a jump on the baby quilt as we have plans to attend a craft group on Wednesday, and I would like to work on it that evening. So, lots of baby prep going on here. E really deserves a lot of the credit for getting this big job done. I, of course, need to stop and eat and/or rest every little while, so she was left working by herself on several occasions. She also really drove this project- as soon as she got up yesterday morning, she was moving and shaking in the nursery (b/c it's definitely no longer an office!). We're so excited for this baby!!!!
Friday, November 2, 2007
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